God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your deity?
| q Newspaper | q Divine Inspiration | q National Public Radio |
| q Bible | q Dead Sea Scrolls | q Tabloid |
| q Torah | q My Mama Done Tol' Me | q Burning Shrubbery |
| q Television | q Near Death Experience | |
| q Book of Mormon | q Near Life Experience | q Other (specify): _____________ |
2. Which model deity did you acquire?
| q Yahweh | q Krishna |
| q Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] | q Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] |
| q Jehovah | q Odin and entourage [Valhallah Pak] |
| q Jesus | q Mannan MacLir and entourage [Celtic Pak] |
| q God | q Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature |
| q Allah | q None of the above, I was taken in by a false god |
3a. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
q Yes q No
3b. If "No," please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
| q Not eternal | q Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos |
| q Not omniscient | q Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) |
| q Not omnipotent | q Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people |
| q Permits sex outside of marriage | q Looks after life other than that on Earth |
| q Prohibits sex outside of marriage | q Requires burnt offerings |
| q Requires virgin sacrifices | q When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched |
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?
Please check all that apply.
| q Needed a reason to live | q Fear of death | q Couldn't see why Geraldo should exist |
| q Indoctrinated by society | q Wanted to piss off parents | q Needed a day away from work |
| q Needed focus in whom to despise | q Desperate need for certainty | q Thought Jerry Falwell was cool |
| q Imaginary friend grew up | q Like Organ Music | q Indoctrinated by parents |
| q Hate to think for myself | q Need to feel Morally Superior | q My shrubbery caught fire and told me to |
| q Wanted to meet girls/boys | q Shit was falling out of the sky | q Other (Specify) __________________ |
5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply.
| q Mick Jagger | q Ra | q The Sun |
| q Cthulhu | q Beelzebub | q Elvis |
| q Ba'al | q Barney T.B.P.D. | q Cindy Crawford |
| q The Almighty Dollar | q The Great Spirit | q The Moon |
| q Bill Gates | q The Great Pumpkin | q A burning shrubbery |
| q Left Wing Liberalism | q The Radical Right | q Other: ________________ |
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
| q Tarot | q Self-help books | q Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll |
| q Lottery | q Biorhythms | q Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) |
| q Astrology | q Alcohol | q Pyramids |
| q Television | q Bill Clinton | q Wandering around a desert |
| q Fortune cookies | q Tea Leaves | q Insurance policies |
| q Ann Landers | q EST | q Burning Shrubbery |
| q Psychic Friends Network | q CompuServe | q Barney T.B.P.D. |
| q Dianetics | q Mantras | q Barney Fife |
| q Palmistry | q Jimmy Swaggart | q Other:________________ |
| q Playboy and/or Playgirl | q Human Sacrifice | q None |
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
(circle one)
| a. More Divine Intervention | c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right |
| b. Less Divine Intervention | d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention? |
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1-3 unsatisfactory, 4-5 excellent):
Disasters
| Flood | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Famine | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Earthquake | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| War | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Pestilence | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Plague | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| SPAM | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| APOL | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
Miracles
| Rescues | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Spontaneous remissions | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Stars hovering over jerkwater towns | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Crying statues | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Water changing into wine | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Walking on water | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| VCR's that set their own clocks | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Getting any sex whatsoever | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?
(Attach an additional sheet if necessary)
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by July 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10=B2=B3, depending on number of beings entered).