Army Ranks
Author Unkown

General
- leaps over tall buildings in a single bound
- is more powerful than a locomotive
- is faster than a speeding bullet
- walks on water
- gives policy to God

Colonel

- leaps over short buildings in a single bound
- is more powerful than a switch engine
- is just as fast as a speeding bullet
- walks on water if sea is calm
- talks to God.

Lieutenant Colonel
- leaps over short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind
- is almost as powerful as a switch engine
- is as fast as a speeding b-b
- walks on water in an indoor pool
- and talks to God if special request is approved.

Major
- barely clears quonset huts
- loses tug-of-war with locomotives
- can fire a speeding bullet
- swims well
-is occasionally addressed by God.

Captain
- makes high marks when trying to leap buildings
- is run over by locomotives
- can sometimes handle a weapon without inflicting self-injury
- can doggie-paddle
- talks to animals

First Lieutenant
- runs into buildings
- recognizes locomotives two out of three times
- is not issued ammunition
- can stay afloat if properly instructed
- talks to water.

Second Lieutenant

- falls over door sills when trying to enter buildings
- says "look at the choo-choo,"
- wets himself with a water pistol
- sinks like a stone
- mumbles to himself.

The NCO
- lifts building and then walks under them
- kicks locomotives off the track
- catches speeding bullets in his teeth (and chews them)
- freezes water in a speeding glance
- easily confused with God

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